Tell me, how do you explain to a 3 year old why it is not okay to be mean to people? Let's add to that. How do I explain to her that it is not okay to be mean when the other person was mean to her first? How do I explain this concept to a 3 year old when many adults don't get it? Oddly, I had planned to write about this today before I read KimMartha's most recent post. To quash any questions, she was not mean to me and our posts are completely unrelated.
JJ was mean to a little girl in her class this morning. JJ yelled right in the other girls little face "Don't talk to me!!" This time the little girl had done absolutely to provoke JJ. However, JJ also takes her turn being yelled at. I, of course, addressed JJ's behaviour and explained why it wasn't right or tried to explain. I guess JJ's day did not improve at all from that point. Her teacher said she was a bit rough and not very nice all day. We had a talk about it on the way home and we agreed that from now on we will treat others the way we want to be treated. In fact, it's our little secret.
As I'm trying to help my daughter understand that being kind to others will help others be kind to her, I'm having trouble convincing myself. Let's be honest, none of us are nice all the time. Even if we strive to do so, I'm sure we all slip from time to time. Like KimMartha, I try to be kind because I genuinely want to be that way. But I also joke around too often and inadvertantly end up hurting someone's feelings. It is never my intention to offend anyone but it happens. When I'm on the receiving end, I just try to remember that I've made the same mistake and just let the comments slide.
What I can't excuse is people who, for whatever reason, think it is perfectly acceptable to treat people poorly. Then I have to ask "Do they really think it's acceptable?" I have no idea but I just can't convince myself they would continue to treat others in that manner if they had any inclination that their behaviour was unacceptable. There is one person in particular that I can think of that is just plain old mean. There is simply no other way to say it. There no way to make it sound more sophisticated or intelligent. This person, Pat, is mean. Point blank. Pat is mean to people. Pat talks down to poeple. Pat belittles people. But the thing that gets my goat the most is the damn look that Pat gives people. It enrages me. It's a snarl and it clearly communicates that Pat thinks you are the lowest of the low and a complete waste of space. Just ask anyone who has received this stare. My favourite memory of the Pat look was when I was having a conversation with someone else and Pat chose to stand there and glare at me the whole time. Pat, nobody was holding a gun to your head. Move along!
Many people have a Pat in their life. In my world, most of us share the same damn Pat. You know what? Pat is a loser. You know what else? If Pat has been mean or rude to you, console yourself by thinking about what an awful existence Pat must lead. Do you think Pat has many friends? I suspect Pat's life is misery because I certainly don't see Pat winning any popularity contests.
Here's the bottom line folks - Take the high road. If you dislike something about someone, please, don't react by doing what it is you dislike about them. Take the high road and don't lower yourself. By "telling someone off" you are just adding fuel to the fire. Walk away. If you get into a yelling match chances are that people will overhear the yelling. Yet they don't know why you're yelling, they don't know that your Pat is a jerk. They just see both of you looking like morons, yelling at each other like cavemen. Walk away because Pat will look like a fool arguing alone. You might feel better for a few minutes after letting your Pat "have it" but the reality is that Pat won.
Take the high road. That's what I'm teaching my daughter. It may take a few years before we use those words. But she'll know which road to take long before she can spell the name.
FYI - Pat is not the individual's real name. Think Saturday Night Live.
9 comments:
This is good advice. I have been walking away from confrontations more often in the past year. It's so much better for your mental and emotional health. If you need to unload, well, that's what friends are for.
As to the Pats of the world, well I tend to just ignore my Pat. I won't give Pat the opportunity to start anything although I know Pat is dying to.
I hope everything works out with Jilly. She will quickly learn the benefits far outweigh the negatives of being kind and polite, even in a difficult situation. She's a good egg at heart.
Good Friends and some FD should ease the "Patness" in all our lives!
You are a good person and although I have never met her, your daughter is too. I always tell my kids to treat others how you want them to treat you as well, even when it is a difficult situation. And no, they don't always do it. But, I always make them explain to me why they did, why they shouldn't have and what they should do the next time they are in that situation.
In one of my Psych classes last year I learned that the frontal lobe (controls consequence realization) doesn't fully develop until you are 17-18 years old. With JJ, she's only 3 and doesn't always have/know the words she needs to deal with her stresses, but your reminders and love will help her along the way.
I agree and disagree, I'm not someone who looks for confrontation but when someone treats me poorly I find it fully acceptable to let them know they have, now I'll admit I don't always do it in the best of ways and I've been informed to take the 'high road' many times by the Princess and I have.
But on the other hand, people really block out their ideas of right and wrong and in the past there have been people I have informed aren't being nice to me and have aplogized. I'm not itching for a fight but I'm not going to allow anyone to make me feel bad about myself. Life wasn't easy for me growing up and it wasn't until I was 17 that I realized "your not going to walk all over me" and I stopped them. I do walk away but sometimes its too hard to do. I battle with it often.
Its tough being mom and its tough being a kid.
I agree with you Princess, the sad thing is that Pat's kids will be raised to be the same way. Which in turn will produce more Pat's of the world.
OOOOOOOoooooooo I like this topic.
I think you have to teach Jilly how to use her fists....give the other kid a shiner. Oh, I'm just kidding
Personally, not only is it tough being a momma, and tough being a kid......I think it's bloody tough being a human being. Human interactions and all the mess ups we get in with communication is complicated isn't it?
I'm not very good at walking away, because if the ranty rage is pointed at me unfairly or even fairly, I need to acknowledge it or it seems to seethe in my belly.
The underlying key to resolving conflict.....at age 3 and at age 83, I believe, is to use empathy and compassion. I know that sounds too smarmy and Oprah like, but I honestly believe that. These are the two concepts we need to constantly try to instill in our children..........
Questions like......."why do you think little bully child yelled?" I wonder if he/she isn't feeling very well, what do you think? It allows a chance for an anklebiter to learn how to critically think outside of their own little egos.
Adults need to apply the same....if we can just step outside of our hurt or our defense box, perhaps to look at the underlying reason why someone is such a sourpuss, then all of a sudden we are flooded with empathy. Then.......are reaction is WAY different.
Then you can tell them to fuck off with empathy!! :)
All Pats are a nasty piece of work. And everything you stated is right on princess......no friends, no life, no one to share secrets with........miserable and jealous when Pat sees others get along.......life is a nasty war.
Pat's behavious crosses boundaries, which is where I get angry. I guess I would ensure my personal boundaries are protected as best as I can and if necessary, make them clearly known.
ie. "When you get angry over "so and so" it upsets me because I don't feel the same way.....
"I" messages do work. For 3 year olds AND 83 year olds......and everyone in between. Its assertive and respectful.
OK......I'll shut up now. I hope this hasn't come out as a lecture. I had no intentions.....to come across that way.......I just got typing and couldn't help myself. It must be the Psych. teacher in me.
Vive la human beings!!
Kill them with kindness!!
Yes, take the high road. I'm with awareness no matter what age you are it still irks you when you are confronted with Pats of this world.
I don't think I empathize but rather try to rationalize the why's and how come's. What did I do? Could I done something differently? Are they maybe having a bad day that I could make better? Know what I mean?
I can't imagine living my life like a Pat. It must be a sad exsistence of a human being to be like that 24/7.
Starting at home can sway Pats exsistences in this World. Somebody like you and Mr Princes, will teach JJ, that sour faces and temper tantrums get you no where in life. That ooey, gooey sweetness and taking the high road is always the better road :)
Oh, and we have had the conversations before that if somebody who isn't around us comes around us. Would they think we are Pats? Thank goodness we all know how to take and give a good joke / punch line :) Or there could be feelings hurt. AKA, Mel and the Scope hahahahaha.
I'm glad I brought this up! D - telling them to fuck off with empathy will keep me going for some time to come.
I did say everything I wanted to in this post because it was getting long. However, one thing I should have clarified is that I'm not suggesting for one second you should let people walk all over you. Hell yes, stand up for yourself. Just be smarter than Pat when you do it. Pat may be ugly but there's no reason to point it out ;)
Hey!! Blogger is working again. It must be dealing with a winter virus or something......weird accessing problems, n'est pas?
Glad you liked my approach.....and you know what? You can say "fuck off" in your mind and Pat would never even know it.
Good questions to ask oneself from Compupro.........because those are the kind of questions that automatically lead us to "walking a mile" in someone else's shoes.
I never thought about it before, but I think rationalization is part of empathy.......I mean we rarely know exactly why someone is behaving badly (especially an adult) so, we have to guess to some extent.......then we begin to feel empathy which in turn allows us to "rationalize" Pat's behaviour.
Another good question to ask Pat....
"Who peed on your cornflakes this morning?" It's all in the tone, as you know princess spy lady.....if this query is asked with a song in your heart and a smile on your face, with gentle genuine kindness.....well it may be received as is intended. ;)
.....or it may not......LOL
I agree I agree I agree.....thing is I've become a bit cynical... I honestly believe that the "Pats" of the world fully believe that they are right and with that--- they will rarely change. So of course I think the High Road is a good one ---as someone said -- most times I have not taken that road it has backfired (ie: I end up looking like the ass)
and I have to remember - it's not worthy my breath----does this make me a Pat???? Hope not!
Now as I type this --- I also need to remember that recently I have been advised of my various "personality" flaws - of which I TRULY was UNAWARE!!!
they told me I have a condescending tone (not a Pat either - someone who wanted to "strike" but who I would not expect to say something like that unless they meant it)----which really really blows me away - I like to kid etc etc and would never want anyone to feel that way - --- I guess I am PAT...lol..
there have been other things too....won't go into them here -- too painful...hehehe...
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