Thursday, December 23, 2010

Letters of the Holiday Variety

Dear Christmas,

This year for the first time in a number of years, I'm going to kick your ass this time...instead of the other way around.

Love, S.
Dear Bob Marley,

I'm sorry but I'll be cancelling our "every second Christmas" date this year. I know you're disappointed but I will make it up to you in Jamaica in January. You'll also be happy to know I'm planning to keep my pants on for Christmas this year.

Love, S.

Monday, December 20, 2010

10 Minutes in Walmart

I can accomplish alot of things (and spend alot of money) in only 10 minutes in Walmart. I managed to following:
* spend $48.00
* saved a ton of cash because every single item was on sale
* got all the fixings I need for cocktails
* got almost all the fixings for appetizers
* splashed mud all up the side of my pants
* made 3 new old man friends. The first time they talk to you it's friendly, second time you're developing a relationship. By the time they say "Bye Dear and Have a Merry Christmas!" after speaking to you two other separate times in the store, you are officially BFFs. Three - I made 3 in 10 minutes. I'd say 4 but I'm not certain that the man standing so close that he touched my ass counts as a friend. Yet.

Wednesday, December 15, 2010

She's a Wheel Watcher!

My daughter is a creature of habit. Every day she watches the same shows. Actually, she rarely watches anything that is not broadcast on channel 252. She doesn't get that from me, I tell you. I'm a channel flipper. I'm always afraid I'm missing something better on another channel.
Every night for the past 2 or so years, the Littlest Princess has watched ICarly at 7 pm in her bedroom. That changed on Monday night.
Monday night, she walked into the livingroom and saw that Wheel of Fortune on tv and said "Mind if I watch with you?" She sat down and after a few seconds proclaimed how much she loved the show and proceeded to watch the whole thing. Last night at 7 pm I said "It's time to snuggle down and watch your tv in your room." She said "Okay, can I watch that Wheel of Jeopardy show again?" I told her she could certainly watch Wheel of Fortune if she wanted. I also asked if she wanted me to watch with her. She said it didn't matter to her but she was watching in her room. Fine the, Miss Thang!
I did go watch the show with her and at one point she turned to me and said "That woman looks like an idiot walking back and forth in front of the words." I asked her please not to call people names and idiot is not an nice word. Then I solved the puzzle.
I think itis a crack up that my 7 year old loves Wheel of Fortune. Just wait until she turns 8. Then it'll be no more Mrs Nice-Mommy when it comes to playing. She has roughly 8+ months to hone her "Wheel Skills" before I unleash my full competitiveness.

Thursday, December 09, 2010

You Don't Think You're a Bully?!?!?!

I stumbled across this article when I was reading a blog that Jay has link to her blog. The entire article is completely and utterly offensive. But what makes me shake my head is that the woman who wrote the article doesn't think she's being a bully or offensive! I don't feel I need to comment on this much further. The bitch speaks for herself.

Monday, December 06, 2010

Goodbye, Buddy

Today is a sad day. I have to put my dog to sleep this afternoon. Oliver has been "mine" since the day I brought him home and a cute little black lab puppy. The dog stayed with my ex-husband when we split up because I thought it was the best thing for Oliver and for my daughter. But I still love him and today is a terrible day.
Apparently, he hasn't been eating and took a turn for the worse over the weekend. XH told me about it yesterday and we both agreed that we needed to put him out of his misery. The call was made to the vet this morning and we go at 1:30. I hate to see the end but, to be honest, I wish the appointment was earlier. I guess Oliver couldn't even get up on his own the morning. He has been such an amazing dog and I just don't want him to suffer a minute longer. I saw him yesterday and the suffering was so clear in his eyes. XH will take him to the vet, I will meet them there, XH will leave and I will stay with Oliver. I'll make sure he knows we love him and that he was the best companion we could ask for, I will wrap my arms around him, put my face close to his, and hold him until he is gone.
Today is a sad day but at least Oliver's suffering will end. Thanks for being such a good friend, Buddy.

Thursday, December 02, 2010

We Have a Plan and High Hopes

Monday morning was cold and I really, really dislike the cold. As the Littlest Princess and I were getting in the car I said "That's it! I've had enough!". JJ said "Had enough of what, Momma?" I said "Winter and cold! I have plan. I'm going to win the lottery, quit my job and you're going to quit school. We are going to move a warm tropical place, I'll hire a teacher to teach you while we play on the beach." To which JJ said "Mom a warm tropical place would be Florida." I replied "Actually there are lots of countries that are warm all year round." She said "Like Hawaii! Let's live in Hawaii." SOLD! Then I said "You can learn about whatever you want with your private teacher. If you see a dolphin in the surf, you can ask to learn about dolphins. " JJ said "So we'll be rich, right?" and I said "Yes, very." The Littlest Princess said "Can I have a pony?" and I said "Sure and we'll hire someone to scoop the pony poop too. Because we'll be rich." Then came the bubble burster "Momma, how do we win the lottery?" Sigh, good feelings gone. I had to explain that we will probably never win the lottery. She was alright with it. I'm pretty sure she thought I was nuts from the minute the conversation started anyway. She is a good sport. If we win, I'll buy her 2 ponies just for putting up with her crazy, delusional mother.

Monday, November 29, 2010

Here's a Tip for You.....

Historically, I have not tipped at Tim Horton's. I just didn't feel it was necessary. I'm usually a pretty good tipper. I would even go as far as to say I over tip. A few months ago, I started to let them keep my change at Tims. Do I really need that extra $0.50? However, as of today, I am officially back to not tipping at Tim Hortons. Over the past week I have received some good reminders of why I didn't tip there in the first place. Here are just a few of the examples:

* I was sitting in the drive-thru waiting for my coffee and right in front of me one cashier was loudly telling another how she flirts with men to get bigger tips. I was not inclined to believe it worked for her as it appeared she had been repeatedly beaten with an ugly stick. But really, I find it offensive that she was talking like that in front of customers.
* Again in the drive-thru, I pulled up to the window and gave the girl a shiny loony and 3 quarters ($1.75) for my order that came to $1.34. I also smiled and said "That's great, thanks." My coffee was sitting in the window getting cold while she counted out her tip and put in her her tip jar. The next time you see that I've handed you more than the cost and said thanks give me my damn coffee instead of counting your f'ing tips while I wait.
* Today. Today took the cake. My order came to around $1.50 and I gave the guy a toonie ($2). He looked at me and said "Do you want your change?" I looked and him and just shook my head no. I was seething and in my head I was shouting "Yes, I want my change, you uncle fucker!. That is far too presumptuous for my taste. I find it very offensive that he would assume he could keep the change.

So that's it for me. I'm done tipping at Tim Hortons. From now on I want my change. I want every red cent of it. Every stinking penny. You want more money? Then earn it.

Monday, November 22, 2010

Down the Tubes

I was on the road for work today (awful driving weather - incase you were wondering) and I stopped at Tim's for a pee and a coffee in the morning. I went into the stall to complete my task and all of a sudden my cell phone was falling. I watched in horror as is fell towards the toilet bowl. But, low and behold, it missed falling in the flush by JUST a fraction and tumbled on the floor. I was so relieved. You'd think that I would be concerned that my work phone has almost fallen in the flush, been ruined, and would cost someone to replace it. Nuh uh, my biggest concern was that I might have to fish that thing out of the water. I was actually debating, if it had fallen in, could I just left in there and explained what happened? I guess we'll never know. Actually given my clumsy tendencies, we might find at some point.

Friday, November 19, 2010

For the Love of Donuts

My love of donuts is just not natural. It's funny because I'm not really a "sweets person" but I have a weakness for donuts. I stopped at Tim's on my way back to work for coffee and a donut. Fine, I got 2 of them. Whatever. I was eating my donuts while driving in the sunshine. I turned on the radio and lo and behold a song from Dirty Dancing was playing. What more could I ask for? Well alot actually. But you have to be thankful for the small things too, right? For the record, I'm going to be thankful for that pizza and sangria later.
But back to the donuts! So, I'm pretty certain that I could eat a dozen Tim Horton's donuts in one sitting. I'm not fussy about the kind unless it's one of those old fashioned plain. I mean really, what is the good of a donut with no sugar?? My self-respect and, probably more so, my guilt keep me from attempting to eat 12 in one sitting. But let's be honest here, if it was presented as a challenge or a bet and someone gave me the donuts -it would be on! Because my competitive nature would absolutely crush any guilt.

I love donuts. And asparagus - guilt satisfied.

Tuesday, November 16, 2010

Can't Handle It Anymore

I've been trying very hard not to be such a complainer lately. Okay, well it's not so much complaining as much as feeling a need to point out the dumbness in the world. In any case, I've been trying to stop. Really I have. But I can't handle this one any longer. I have to point out that ear infections are not contagious. Yeah, I know some thing that are contagious can lead to ear infections. I get that. But getting close to someone with an ear infection is not going to spawn an immediate ear infection in you. It's not the the freaking Ebola virus. OMG. Okay, I'm done - back to being nice.

Monday, October 25, 2010

Eyes Wide Open

Well, I received a bit of an eye-opener last week. I had a wellness profile done on Wednesday and they checked things like blood glucose, cholesterol, BMI, weight and then I answered a bunch of questions online. When I was all done, they took the info and produced a 14 page report on your overall wellness and strategies to improve your wellness.
My report came back saying I'm in very good health. My BMI and glucose levels were in a healthy range, and I'm apparently sane. Get this - everyone is supposed to receive a numeric value for cholesteral level. However, mine didn't even register a number. They did it twice and it came back LO. I was quite surprised.
The "not-so-nice" part of the profile was the weight section. I got on the scale and the number came up. I jumped off and asked him to do it again. Same number. Yikes - I had a 14 lbs increase in about 6 months and it's all in my stomach. Not cool. Time to make some adjustments.
In my house, we don't talk about being large, or, thin. We talk about being Heart Healthy. Heart disease runs in my family and I carry my weight in my stomach, that gives me 2 major risks factors for heart disease. I take this very seriously.
I already eat, probably, better than average. I exercise but I'm not fanatical or even committed about it. I try to do some cardio a few times a week but sometimes I get to it and some times I don't. Since Wednesday I've done 30 minutes of cardio every day and I'm going to continue with that. I'm not going to lie. I want to see those pounds go down but more importantly I need to make sure my heart is getting that workout. I may not be super athletic but I'm moving and that's a start. Now I've told the world my intentions. Hopefully that accountability and my own motivation will keep me on this track. I just need to get it firmly embedded as part of my daily routine.

Hey, Sister, are you reading this?!?!?!?

Friday, October 15, 2010

Outta Here....

Well, in 3 1/2 long months. I'm going to Jamaica bitches! It's been a long wait but I'm finally going back. I'm going to be there for my birthday. Now, I have to go get on the treadmill. You can likely find me there until January 28, 2011.

Wednesday, October 13, 2010

A Close 4th

I really love the summer, the beach, and warm weather. So, of course, June, July, and August are my favourite months. But I have to say that I also love October. I love the fiery red trees, the fall decorations you see around, and the flavours that come out this time of year. Yup, October is definitely my fourth favourite month. Can I get a Whoop Whoop for number 4??

Tuesday, October 12, 2010


Oh how I love your holier-than-thou attitude. It's like the smell of dog poo on a sunny spring day.

Thursday, September 23, 2010

Feeling the Need for a Little Vent

I'm not sure if there is a full moon right now or what. But, I swear, the dumb asses are crawling out from under rocks and multiplying in droves. I have a few things to stay about some of those dumb asses and then I'll try to be nice fore the rest of the day.

There will be a lot of painting going on my my house in the next little while. If you plan on being around, don't just stand there and watch me. Pick up a stupid brush. I don't need a cheering squad, I need to be done.

Hey you, pregnant girl. You are not the first, only, or even last person to be pregnant. You think being pregnant is bad? Wait until childbirth! And let me tell you, child-rearing is no walk in park either.

And you, breast-feeding girl - see the above comment about first, only, and last. OMG.

Word Whiz, this next one is for you - real pretty, real bad, real cute? Holy hell, did you skip English class every single day. While I'm on the topic, hisself and contipate are not words. Since we're all making up words nilly-willy, I know pronounce dumbassedness to be a valid word. You're welcome Webster's Dictionary.

And You, You, You, and You - how about you returning my fucking call for once? Valued customer my ass!

Wednesday, September 22, 2010

Um, No Thanks

The Littlest Princess had her first voice lesson tonight and she did very well. She was talking the teacher's ear off and hardly letting the woman get a word in edgewise. Finally, the teacher was able to say her piece and got things started so I left. When I returned, JJ was all smiles and thought the lesson was great.
JJ was telling me about the lesson in the car and started singing a song about dinosaurs. I said "Hey that's a great song!" and JJ says "Yeah, Teacher asked me if I wanted to sing a song about dinosaurs. I told her I was more of a cat and dog person." Oye.

Thursday, September 02, 2010

Kabob Day 3

Last night was Steak Dinner on a Stick. It was pretty run of the mill, to be honest. Steak flavoured with Montreal Steak Spice, those little potatoes from the can, and onions. I served it with salad. It was good but nothing to write home about. I believe I've now spoiled myself with those other fancy schmancy kabobs.

Side note and totally off topic - I was at the $$ store on Prospect St last night and you'll never guess what happened! I was at the cash register and I was 2nd in line to pay. The girls in front of me and 2 carts FULL of stuff. There were probably 6 other customers behind me also waiting to pay so the cashier calls for another cash to open. The new cashier arrives and she says "I can help whoever is next, over here." Usually that means the person at the end of the line makes a made dash to get there first. This is the amazing part - Not one person in line moved. One even touched me and said "You're next." So I made my way around the line to the other cash register and I'm stunned and totally pleased at the civility and thoughtfulness being exhibited here. Then a lady appears out of nowhere and pops up to the cash ahead of me. The cashier said to her "I'm sorry but this lady (pointing at me) has been waiting much longer." Holy hell! I'm flabbergasted. That has never happened to me before. The $$ store on Prospect St is straight out of another world and I think it might be staffed by fairies. Lovely glowing little fairies with my best interest at heart. Yup, that HAS to be it.

Wednesday, September 01, 2010

Kabobs Day 2

Last night it was Pork Souvlaki on a Stick. Most times souvlaki is already "on a stick", however, I put the entire meal on the stick. I skewered pork that I purchased already marinated in souvlaki seasoning, red peppers, onions, and tomotoes. I grilled some Naan bread and served it all with Tzatziki sauce. There you have it Pork Souvlaki on a Stick.

Tuesday, August 31, 2010

Deep Thoughts

As you reach mid-life, keep this little tidbit in mind - Your skirt length should not rise with your age. Ass cheeks and cellulite are skirt accessories best left for home and a ruffle doesn't hide it.

Kabob Challenge

I have decided that I'm going to eat shish kabobs for supper every night this week. I can't really remember what gave me this idea but I'm on board. Yesterday I added to the challenge by deciding that my kabobs should have a theme each day. They will all be own creations and the idea here is simplicity. I'll let you know what I come up with

Last night I had Jambalaya Kabobs - I skewered chunks of Honey Garlic sausages, scallops, tiger shrimp (I seasoned the seafood with Old Bay). I served the kabobs with rice that flavoured with chicken stock and Old Bay. I also BBQ'd corn on the cob and served it with garlic butter. Voila! Jambalaya on a stick, folks!

Thursday, August 05, 2010

Grammar 101

"Hisself" is not a word. Try "himself" instead and see out that rolls of the tongue. Hearing "hisself" makes me want to poke out my eyeballs.

Thursday, July 22, 2010

Keep a Cover On It

OMG...I just want to look at people and say "I hate you. Go away." in a nice calm voice. Instead, I'm going to go check my lottery tickets, pick up some Cheeseburger Doritos, and some mint. Because if today doesn't call for a healthy round of mojitos, I don't know what does. I think I'll end the day by bashing my head against the wall... repeatedly.

Tuesday, July 20, 2010

Dry Spell Over!

Well now, that was a bit of a dry-spell but it's over. I've have LOTS to say, all of a sudden.

First, you must go out and try some Cheeseburger Doritos. Don't wait, go now. Just minimize the screen and you can finish reading this post later. GO!

Just so you know, me eating Cheeseburger Doritos driving down the highway is not pretty. I was a little piggie and I'm pretty sure I'm going to find leftovers in my bra later.

All sense of professionalism, decorum and, certainly, grace and sophistication go straight out the window when you step in mud up to your ankle while walking and talking with a client. It seeped through my toes and up over my entire foot and sandal. Trying to rub the mud off your foot in the grass and then bending down and rubbing your shoe on the grass while looking up and talking does not help regain any dignity. At all.

The level of nosiness and resulting outrage exhibited by people in this small city over the most ridiculous issues never ceases to amaze me. It always bring me back to the, always appropriate, quote from our very own Ames, "There are dumb asses amongst us!" Never have truer words been spoken!!

If you are a small business owner catering to a VERY specific niche/clientele, perhaps youshoud refrain from pissing off your customers by acting like a holier-than-thou moron. Yeah, I mean you. And FYI, you are NOT as cute as you think you are. Now, please excuse me while I go tell 10 friends. I expect they will tell 10 of their friends and so on and so forth.

Friday, July 09, 2010


Hey Friday! You suck!

Monday, July 05, 2010

Monday Rant

So Facebook. I'm not a Facebook lover and I never have been. I check it a few times a day but I use it mainly for reasons other than personal. I rarely send out friend requests on Facebook (FB from here on out) and I'm not very active on FB at all. If you want to get in contact with me, FB is not the place to do it. I likely won't get your message for a few days (if you send it to my inbox) or at all (if you post it on my wall). Get me the old fashion or phone. :) Just because I don't keep in contact with you on FB doesn't mean I don't like just means I don't really like FB. It's too time consuming to keep up with that much crap. Especially those who document every movement they make in their status. Seriously, I don't care what you had for lunch and that you intend to eat supper too. Billions of other people are going to do the very. same. thing. today.

So here is my Monday Rant about FB. Well, not really a rant so much as me saying "I just don't get it." What is up with giving people limited access to profiles anyway? If you send out a "friend" request or accept one from somebody aren't you imply some level of trust? Then why give limited access? If you don't want them to see things or know things about you then reject the request or don't send it at all. I know someone out there is thinking "What a narrow point of view. What about this and this and this?" The way I see it, is that if you feel the need to hide it from someone or anyone.....don't put it on the internet at all. Once it's out there, it's out there for good. Set up all the passwords you like, it's still out there.
So here's my deal - If you need to limit my access to your profile, just delete me as a friend. I probably won't notice anyway.

Wednesday, June 23, 2010

Answer Me, Dammit!

Earlier today, Shelley was telling me a story about something that happened the other day. I was surprised by what she was telling me and I said "OMG, really?" but she didn't answer and kept on talking. As she continues telling the story, I say "But how did she know where to find it?" Again, she ignores me and keeps talking. It was at that point that I remember I was listening to a voicemail and not having a live conversation. In my defence, it totally sounded just like her! ;)

Friday, June 18, 2010

I Love You, Friday

I haven't always loved Fridays. In fact, in the not so distant past, I dreaded every second Friday when the Littlest Princess wouldn't be with me. I still miss her the weekends she is with her dad but I deal with it better now.
Last weekend I actually went camping in St. Andrews. Yup, camping, like in a trailer and stuff. Aside from a dangerously close call of almost falling in the campfire, I returned home Sunday in one piece. Dirty and smoky, but in one piece.
This weekend is supposed to be a hot one, my favourite kind. The plan is pretty simple - go to the pool after work, go home, sleep, get up, take JJ to a birthday party, pick her up, go to the pool, go home, sleep. Sunday is supposed to be not so nice so I might scrapbook.
You know, I love my job, my co-workers, and even the organization I work for. But I need to win the lottery tonight because there are far more things I'd rather be doing than working. FYI - if I win tonight the weekend plans will change significantly. Don't bother looking for me.

Tuesday, June 15, 2010

Stupid Birds, Stupid Long Days

Someone must sit down with my cat and my daughter and explain to them that 4:30 a.m. is completely unacceptable. Someone should also explain to the cat that sitting on my head at that ungodly hour does not improve my disposition. On the bright side, the child did not sit on my head. She wins over the cat on that account but they're both still on my shit list.

Thursday, June 10, 2010

Thought for the Day

Your opinion holds absolutely no validity for me if you have to hide behind the "name" Anonymous. In fact, the names Anonymous and Coward are strikingly similar.

Tuesday, June 08, 2010


Thinking about sending your dog to a kennel in the F'ton area? Please take the time to read this first - Beware! Be the voice and the advocate for your pet.

Tuesday, June 01, 2010

It's a Good Thing She's Cute!

Conversation #1 - in the car on the way home from after-school care.

me - (laughing) Funny your lips are blue!
daughter -(scowling) That's not funny! (whiny voice) It's not nice to laugh at me.
me - JJ that is not something to cry about. You are being overly sensitive.
daughter - (quietly) It could be worse. I could be flatulent.

Conversation #2 -in the washroom at Jungle Jim's. Ladies room is called Jane, Mens is called Tarzan
daughter - I bet things are pretty different in the jungle.
me - Yup, I bet you're right.
daughter - Yeah, you can be flatulent whenever you want and not worry.
me - What is it with you and flatulence today?!?!
daughter - I don't know. It just makes me a little bit happy.
me - Apparently.

Tuesday, May 18, 2010

Quote of the Day

This is the best line I've heard in a loooooong time. "I'm sorry I couldn't make my appointment because I was temporarily dead." Fair enough.

Friday, May 14, 2010

Living It Up!

Friday night + a few drinks + Operations (the game from your childhood) = a few good laughs. Unfortunately, when you start as early as I did, it means you can't make it to a friend's house 5 mins away. Sorry, LW. Maybe a drink as soon as you walk through the door isn't the best idea in the end.

Friday, May 07, 2010

True Love

Oh, Mojitos I could never be mad at you and your limey goodness. TGIF!

Tuesday, May 04, 2010

Tips from a Non-Fashionista

Fashion tip - If you're skirt is short enough that I can see your ass cheeks, you should NOT wear it to work.

Tuesday, April 27, 2010

One to What???

I just received a call asking me to complete a phone survey on telecommunications. I don't mind taking a few minutes to complete a survey. I feel bad for the people calling - it must be a challenge to get people to participate. So we're trudging through and it not so bad. Then she tells me she needs me to rate some information from 1 to 100. Thinking I misunderstood, I said "1 to 100 ?" and she said "Yes, 100. 1 being not likely at all and 100 being very likely" And I started to laugh right out loud. Seriously, rating from 1-10 is bad enough. But 100? I'm less likely to use that company based on their rating system alone. Oye.

Thursday, April 22, 2010

Go Team!

I think I need a new tattoo. A large one right in the middle of my forehead that says "Shut your mouth". Apparently I need this reminder every time I look in the mirror. Today I gave a co-worker a heads up regarding a nasty situation that was going down that they were about to walk into. I was trying to save said co-worker from having a shitty day. My bad. My info was met with a snooty, know-it-all attitude. Last I heard we all played for the same team and worked under the same mission statement. Clearly I was wrong. Someone do me a favour and hand out jerseys so I know what team I play for.
Next time I'm keeping my mouth shut and in the words of Sue Sylvester they can "rip you a new one". So put that in your pipe and smoke it.

Monday, April 19, 2010

Bling? Not really his thing.

Cats really don't like to wear strands of beads. Not even manly blue. Who knew??

Friday, April 16, 2010

There is a time and a place...this isn't it.

When I gasp in the last hour of the work day and say "OMG, I just deleted the document I've been working on all afternoon!" please do not respond by walking into my office and telling me about your weekend! At this particular moment, I really don't give a rat's ass. WTF?!?!

Monday, April 12, 2010

Fashion Faux Pas

I think that perhaps I need to reconsider the outfit I wore today. I was uncertain about it from the get go. I looked in the mirror and thought "Hmm...not really sure." So I decided to seek advice. I asked the Littlest Princess her opinion. Her response was to grab my arm look me in the eyes and say "Don't change a thing, Mommy."
Now in all honesty, I took her opinion with a grain of salt. I enter the outfit she chose for herself yesterday as evidence - a black and white tropical dress that used to belong to me, brown leggings, a white t-shirt with red and pink hearts, a long green dangly necklace, pink skateboard shoes, gobs of pink eye shadow and pink lip gloss. . In any case, I decided my outfit wasn't terrible and that I was too lazy to change.
When I got to work, I received a compliment on my outfit. Oh god, red flag, ALERT, ALERT!!! The compliment giver is a terrible dresser!
This outfit will be removed from the rotation and I certainly won't be asking Miss Fancy Pants for fashion advice in the mornings any longer.
Parenting Lesson #351,128 - Six year olds don't necessarily give the best fashion advice.

Tuesday, April 06, 2010

Things I Learned Over the Weekend

Yard work can be fun when done with the right person.

Anti-histamines still cause me to sunburn like a mofo.

One bike ride every 3 years will cause a sore butt.

The ride home is always uphill and more difficult.

My cat can be an asshole at 3 am AND 5 am. He's usually at an asshole at 5am.

My cat purrs when you put a harness on him to go outside. Oh wait, maybe that's why he was an asshole at 3 am too.

Collars go around the neck...not under the arms. Whatever, it seemed logical to me.

Mojitos are the PERFECT afternoon cocktail. Oops, I already knew that one.

I'm not the only person buying liquor before noon at an agency store 2o mins outside the city on a statutory holiday.

You can spray paint your ugly old window shutter for $18 and they will look 100% better.

Spray paint makes you dizzy.

You can hide the painted rocks by simply raking.

Two evenings a week are not enough chances to win the lottery.

Apparently walking around to music is considered ballroom dancing....if your name is Kate Gosselin. Someone, please, help me to not look.

Tuesday, March 23, 2010

Here's Your Hat. What's Your Hurry?

This is the conversation my 6 year old daughter and I had on the way to school this morning:

JJ - "Mom, what is this?"
Me - "Oh, that's reusable shopping bag. It folds up and snaps like that to fit in your purse. Handy, huh?"
JJ - "I love it, Momma! You know, I'm not much of a shopper here but I sure like to shop in Florida!"
Me - " too!"
JJ - "Can I have this bag when you die?"
Me - "Yeah. Sure."

Nice. Reminds me of my sister.

Thursday, March 18, 2010

Bon Jovi Bound

So, this time tomorrow I'll be well on my way to Montreal to see Bon Jovi with a bunch of my besties. It's going to be so fun. Seeing Bon Jovi in concert is one of the items on my "List of Things To Do" and I'm looking forward to crossing that one off. I wasn't able to go this past summer because I was moving. To be honest, I'd rather see them at the Bell Centre anyway.

Woot! Jon, we're coming, Honey!

Wednesday, March 17, 2010

Thought for the Day

If you are too stupid to navigate a drop off circle, then you are too stupid to have children. You can quote me on that one.

Thursday, March 11, 2010

A Never Ending Cycle

Dear Crosswalk User,

It's called a traffic pattern for a reason, it happens over and over again and always in the same order. We all take turns crossing the road and turning so that our cars and your body don't collide. Standing there hitting the crosswalk button repeatedly, rolling your eyes, throwing your hands in the air, and yelling curse words won't make the walk light change any faster. It just helps people like me identify you for the moron you are. Thanks for the heads up.


Tuesday, March 09, 2010

Serenity Now

The littlest Princess has now been puking and pooping for 2 days. I though we were in the clear when she last puked yesterday at noon. However last night at 12:52 I hear "Momma!" It was very messy all night and we didn't get back to bed until 6:04 this morning. Things have been going quite well today. Until about 10 mins ago when the f'ing cat puked on my bed. Will it ever end? All I need now is my special friend how up later and puke on the floor. Then I can call it a full house.

Monday, March 08, 2010

If It Looks Like a Duck.....

I think it is a strong indication that you are not in a for a good day when your child comes in the bathroom while you're in the shower and says - "Momma, I tooted and pooped my pants!". Oye.

Wednesday, March 03, 2010

Ohhhh...Jenn W

Jenn you would sooo be in heaven here. It's a foodie's paradise. I had Thai food tonight at Osha Thai and it was to die for. We started with green tea Mojitos and we had Volcanic Beef and Spicy Catfish. I never thought I'd order catfish but I did and it was incredible. As incredible as it was, the Volcanic Beef was even better. It was the most flavourful succulent beef ever. All served with sticky rice. I vowed that I would sit there until all the food was gone. I almost feel bad that I'm here instead of you. As much as I'm enjoying the food here, I know that you would appreciate it that much more.

Tuesday, March 02, 2010

Seagulls and Pie

After 12 hours of walking today, I'm laying in bed drinking rum and coke. Two highlights today - One was when I was dived bombed by a seagull trying to steal my shrimp and crab as I crossed a street. Arsehole bird, it hit my hair! Two was when I ordered chicken pot pie at a diner and they brought me the whole freaking pie.

Monday, March 01, 2010

San Francisco

Well, I'm here. What a trip to get here. We got up at 2:30 in the morning NB time and finally arrived at the airport in ran Francisco at 4 pm NB time. This place is great! Lots to see and do. Unfortunately, jet lag got the best of me and I was in bed last at 6:30 pm local time. I slept for 12 hours but now I'm ready to go! There is so much shopping to do and so many places that I need to eat.

Friday, February 26, 2010

Hints from Heloise

The littlest Princess isn't feeling so hot today so we decided to have a stay home day together since I'm leaving for a week. She is a super duper little helper when it comes to household chores. We were just downstairs changing the laundry and I handed her a fabric softener sheet to put in the dryer. She looked up at me and said "Why don't you just use the Bounce Bar? It is much easier and it lasts for up to 4 months." I asked her how she knew that and she said she saw it on TV. I cracked up. I've had many people comment to me that the child is going to be a star. I suspect you will see her on TV someday but it will likely be in an infomercial.

Thursday, February 25, 2010

Thursday's Leader

The school my daughter attends is piloting a program that I think is called The Leader in Me. The kids learn and live/work by 7 habits they are being taught. Things like "Think Win-Win, Be Proactive, Being with the End in Mind" etc. I think they've basically taken the 7 Habits if Highly Effective People and adapted it for children. These kids are very much into the program.

So this week is Winter Carnival at school and they've been having dress up days each day based on one of the habits. Yesterday was dress like your favourite sports leader. After some head scratching we came up with a figure skating costume - a tutu and a medal.

Today's theme is dress like the leader you want to be. Oye - that school has it out for me. I was completely stumped for an idea. Even as I was getting JJ dressed this morning I was still trying to come up with something. So I was telling her that I was fresh out of ideas and talking, blah, blah, blah. JJ looked at me that I was out of my mind and said "If I need to dress like leader, I'm just going to dress like you! And then I melted on the floor and it would have been the perfect time for her to ask for a pony.

JJ came up with what she needed to put on to look like me. She decided she needed a ring, a necklace, black shoes (because apparently I wear black shoes every day), and lipstick. We both already have curly hair so that one was in the bag.

She made my day without even trying.

Tuesday, February 16, 2010

Duck and Cover

Growing up, I often heard that Fredericton was known for having bad drivers. I have no idea if there is any statistical truth to that or not. Either way, I don't think Fredericton necessarily has BAD drivers. I think Fredericton has INCONSIDERATE drivers. A whole bunch of inconsiderate bastards. I mean the streets are lousy with the inconsiderate ones. Even the school drop off zone is not immune from the cling-ons.
Every morning that I drop my daughter off at school, I see the same van parked in the same spot regardless of the traffic flow. She won't pull up to allow more cars in, nope, she needs to park smack in the middle. Screw the rest of us suckers, she was there first and this lady knows what she wants. Cars are lined up down the street trying to get kids to school and every morning she takes FOREVER getting her kid out of the car. We receive memos and voicemails on a regular basis reminding us that we are to be quick in the drop of zone. It's a drop off zone not a parking spot. Hello, school? Stop sending me those memos. Save yourself some time and trees. Send one memo to the van lady with her name in big letter, telling her to MOVE!
This morning I really wanted to get out of my car, walk over and kick her in the teeth. But the teacher was right there and I didn't want detention. I have to much to do at lunch today.

Monday, February 08, 2010

Every Once in Awhile.....

My job, for the most part, is pretty negative. Without going into detail, I see people on a daily basis that are in crisis, some are chronically ill, in chronic pain, about to lose their home, living in horrible conditions, sometimes they hate me, sometimes they threaten me. I make a choice not to let it get me down, not to let the negativity take over. Because every once in awhile, I get a chance to make a positive difference for someone, to make their life better, a little easier, to let them know that someone, even a perfect stranger, is willing to step up and go to bat for them. And every once in awhile it works out. Today is one of those days and that makes it a good day.

Monday, February 01, 2010

Your Name Please?

You'd think after working for the same department for the last 10 years, they could get my name right by now.

Wednesday, January 27, 2010

Wow, You're a Pig

I was sitting here just after lunch and I heard a great big, loud, disgusting burp from an office somewhere around me. Seriously? I'm sure the conference room full of people down the hall enjoyed that too. Save it for home loser . Your wife sure knows how to pick them.

Tuesday, January 05, 2010

Envious, right?

I am the epitome of klassy and sophistimacated. Here I sit in bed watching Inglorious Basterds, drinking wine with Sprite mixed in and eating Zesty Cheese Doritos. Don't you just wish you were me?

Monday, January 04, 2010

I'll Intervention You!

This conversation took place last night with my special friend while watching The Family Guy. They had just made a comment about Robin Williams no longer being funny and the screen flashed to an animated Robin Williams with lines on his arms.

SF: Oh yeah, look at the cuts on his arms.
Me: Yeah, because Robin Williams is known for being a cutter. Watch much Intervention?
SF: Ooooh.
Me: Maybe you should watch less Intervention.

Laughter to the point of crying ensued. Seriously, who guesses he's a cutter before thinking he's a hairy, hairy man?!?! However, the sympathy was touching. ;)

Sunday, January 03, 2010

A Few Randoms because OMG I Need to Sleep

* I very much dislike roast beef. You know how people rave that it is so tender that is falls to pieces? That makes me want to vomit. I made my own roast beef the other day, it turns out I don't hate it. I just need to cook my own. Red wine and steak spice help. Oh it turns out I like gravy too.

* My cat is retarded and is balancing on the top of my head while I type. What is worse, is that I won't bother to move him.

* I made homemade bread for the first time this past week. It was so good, I made it again 2 days later. Oddly, I don't eat bread....until now.

* I woke up at 1 am this morning and realized my cat was under my arm. I moved and he didn't. So, I sat straight up in bed and loudly said "OMG, I killed the cat. I think the cat is dead!". Then I couldn't remember his name. I knew we had changed it but couldn't remember what we changed it to. His name is Cooper. I kept calling him Carter in the night and couldn't get back to sleep.

* Disney isn't very smart when making children's movies. The new one out, "The Princess and the Frog", features a "bad guy" who makes shadows do his dirty work. Millions of kids are now afraid of their own shadow. That's some good work, boys.

* 2:00 am today - my daughter wakes up terrified of the thing on the wall that is making shadows chase her and of the skeleton in the top hat. Dude, what were you thinking when you made that movie?!?!

* 4:20 am and the Littlest Princess finally fell back to sleep after 3 complete rounds of the High School Musical CD. All I want to do, is be with you, be with youuuuuu. There's nothing we can't do.....

* 4:45 am - my neighbour decided to snow blow his driveway beside my head with his mofo tractor that is so loud it vibrates my entire bed. Unfortunately, the snow kept getting stuck so he had to bang the blower part on the drive way repeatedly. I was soooo angry that I paced the house and trying to a) not cry b)go outside, pull him off his tractor, and kick him in balls over and over and over again. I went back to bed and listened until.......

* 7:20 am my daughter comes in and says "Those people are so loud they woke me up!". No shit.

* I had 1.5 hours sleep last night and I'm crochety.

* Poutine made with roasted garlice havarti is very, very good.

Friday, January 01, 2010

Circle K

The following conversation took place at the Irving a few minutes ago.

Me: Hi! Can I get a Lotto Max for tonight and a 649 for tomorrow night too? (I was buying ice and sprite for my wine...klassy).
Cashier: You got ID?
Me: Hmmm...actually I don't.
Cashier: Can't sell them to you. (looking like she sucked a big ass lemon).
Me: No worries. *smile and small giggle* This is actually the 2nd time this has happened in the last few weeks and I'm actually 32. (I'll be 33 a month from tomorrow but I didn't tell her that).
Cashier: Sure. (with a snotty look).
Me as my smile disappears: Actually, you hold on I'll get that ID from the car.
I walked back in and put it on the counter. Nothing from her.
You know, I realize she has a job to do and I was fine with it. I said no problem, I smiled and made conversation and was going to go on my merry way. She didn't have to be such a bitch. She has not aged well at all and is probably insanely jealous that at 32 years old and have a youthful face and she has a full grown mustache. Sucks to be you.