Things I Learned Over the Weekend

Yard work can be fun when done with the right person.

Anti-histamines still cause me to sunburn like a mofo.

One bike ride every 3 years will cause a sore butt.

The ride home is always uphill and more difficult.

My cat can be an asshole at 3 am AND 5 am. He's usually at an asshole at 5am.

My cat purrs when you put a harness on him to go outside. Oh wait, maybe that's why he was an asshole at 3 am too.

Collars go around the neck...not under the arms. Whatever, it seemed logical to me.

Mojitos are the PERFECT afternoon cocktail. Oops, I already knew that one.

I'm not the only person buying liquor before noon at an agency store 2o mins outside the city on a statutory holiday.

You can spray paint your ugly old window shutter for $18 and they will look 100% better.

Spray paint makes you dizzy.

You can hide the painted rocks by simply raking.

Two evenings a week are not enough chances to win the lottery.

Apparently walking around to music is considered ballroom dancing....if your name is Kate Gosselin. Someone, please, help me to not look.

Here's Your Hat. What's Your Hurry?

This is the conversation my 6 year old daughter and I had on the way to school this morning:

JJ - "Mom, what is this?"
Me - "Oh, that's reusable shopping bag. It folds up and snaps like that to fit in your purse. Handy, huh?"
JJ - "I love it, Momma! You know, I'm not much of a shopper here but I sure like to shop in Florida!"
Me - "Mmmm...me too!"
JJ - "Can I have this bag when you die?"
Me - "Yeah. Sure."

Nice. Reminds me of my sister.

Bon Jovi Bound

So, this time tomorrow I'll be well on my way to Montreal to see Bon Jovi with a bunch of my besties. It's going to be so fun. Seeing Bon Jovi in concert is one of the items on my "List of Things To Do" and I'm looking forward to crossing that one off. I wasn't able to go this past summer because I was moving. To be honest, I'd rather see them at the Bell Centre anyway.

Woot! Jon, we're coming, Honey!

Thought for the Day

If you are too stupid to navigate a drop off circle, then you are too stupid to have children. You can quote me on that one.

A Never Ending Cycle

Dear Crosswalk User,

It's called a traffic pattern for a reason, it happens over and over again and always in the same order. We all take turns crossing the road and turning so that our cars and your body don't collide. Standing there hitting the crosswalk button repeatedly, rolling your eyes, throwing your hands in the air, and yelling curse words won't make the walk light change any faster. It just helps people like me identify you for the moron you are. Thanks for the heads up.

x0x0

Serenity Now

The littlest Princess has now been puking and pooping for 2 days. I though we were in the clear when she last puked yesterday at noon. However last night at 12:52 I hear "Momma!" It was very messy all night and we didn't get back to bed until 6:04 this morning. Things have been going quite well today. Until about 10 mins ago when the f'ing cat puked on my bed. Will it ever end? All I need now is my special friend how up later and puke on the floor. Then I can call it a full house.

If It Looks Like a Duck.....

I think it is a strong indication that you are not in a for a good day when your child comes in the bathroom while you're in the shower and says - "Momma, I tooted and pooped my pants!". Oye.

Ohhhh...Jenn W

Jenn you would sooo be in heaven here. It's a foodie's paradise. I had Thai food tonight at Osha Thai and it was to die for. We started with green tea Mojitos and we had Volcanic Beef and Spicy Catfish. I never thought I'd order catfish but I did and it was incredible. As incredible as it was, the Volcanic Beef was even better. It was the most flavourful succulent beef ever. All served with sticky rice. I vowed that I would sit there until all the food was gone. I almost feel bad that I'm here instead of you. As much as I'm enjoying the food here, I know that you would appreciate it that much more.

Seagulls and Pie

After 12 hours of walking today, I'm laying in bed drinking rum and coke. Two highlights today - One was when I was dived bombed by a seagull trying to steal my shrimp and crab as I crossed a street. Arsehole bird, it hit my hair! Two was when I ordered chicken pot pie at a diner and they brought me the whole freaking pie.

San Francisco

Well, I'm here. What a trip to get here. We got up at 2:30 in the morning NB time and finally arrived at the airport in ran Francisco at 4 pm NB time. This place is great! Lots to see and do. Unfortunately, jet lag got the best of me and I was in bed last at 6:30 pm local time. I slept for 12 hours but now I'm ready to go! There is so much shopping to do and so many places that I need to eat.

Hints from Heloise

The littlest Princess isn't feeling so hot today so we decided to have a stay home day together since I'm leaving for a week. She is a super duper little helper when it comes to household chores. We were just downstairs changing the laundry and I handed her a fabric softener sheet to put in the dryer. She looked up at me and said "Why don't you just use the Bounce Bar? It is much easier and it lasts for up to 4 months." I asked her how she knew that and she said she saw it on TV. I cracked up. I've had many people comment to me that the child is going to be a star. I suspect you will see her on TV someday but it will likely be in an infomercial.

Thursday's Leader

The school my daughter attends is piloting a program that I think is called The Leader in Me. The kids learn and live/work by 7 habits they are being taught. Things like "Think Win-Win, Be Proactive, Being with the End in Mind" etc. I think they've basically taken the 7 Habits if Highly Effective People and adapted it for children. These kids are very much into the program.

So this week is Winter Carnival at school and they've been having dress up days each day based on one of the habits. Yesterday was dress like your favourite sports leader. After some head scratching we came up with a figure skating costume - a tutu and a medal.

Today's theme is dress like the leader you want to be. Oye - that school has it out for me. I was completely stumped for an idea. Even as I was getting JJ dressed this morning I was still trying to come up with something. So I was telling her that I was fresh out of ideas and talking, blah, blah, blah. JJ looked at me that I was out of my mind and said "If I need to dress like leader, I'm just going to dress like you! And then I melted on the floor and it would have been the perfect time for her to ask for a pony.

JJ came up with what she needed to put on to look like me. She decided she needed a ring, a necklace, black shoes (because apparently I wear black shoes every day), and lipstick. We both already have curly hair so that one was in the bag.

She made my day without even trying.

Duck and Cover

Growing up, I often heard that Fredericton was known for having bad drivers. I have no idea if there is any statistical truth to that or not. Either way, I don't think Fredericton necessarily has BAD drivers. I think Fredericton has INCONSIDERATE drivers. A whole bunch of inconsiderate bastards. I mean the streets are lousy with the inconsiderate ones. Even the school drop off zone is not immune from the cling-ons.
Every morning that I drop my daughter off at school, I see the same van parked in the same spot regardless of the traffic flow. She won't pull up to allow more cars in, nope, she needs to park smack in the middle. Screw the rest of us suckers, she was there first and this lady knows what she wants. Cars are lined up down the street trying to get kids to school and every morning she takes FOREVER getting her kid out of the car. We receive memos and voicemails on a regular basis reminding us that we are to be quick in the drop of zone. It's a drop off zone not a parking spot. Hello, school? Stop sending me those memos. Save yourself some time and trees. Send one memo to the van lady with her name in big letter, telling her to MOVE!
This morning I really wanted to get out of my car, walk over and kick her in the teeth. But the teacher was right there and I didn't want detention. I have to much to do at lunch today.

Every Once in Awhile.....

My job, for the most part, is pretty negative. Without going into detail, I see people on a daily basis that are in crisis, some are chronically ill, in chronic pain, about to lose their home, living in horrible conditions, sometimes they hate me, sometimes they threaten me. I make a choice not to let it get me down, not to let the negativity take over. Because every once in awhile, I get a chance to make a positive difference for someone, to make their life better, a little easier, to let them know that someone, even a perfect stranger, is willing to step up and go to bat for them. And every once in awhile it works out. Today is one of those days and that makes it a good day.

Your Name Please?

You'd think after working for the same department for the last 10 years, they could get my name right by now.

Wow, You're a Pig

I was sitting here just after lunch and I heard a great big, loud, disgusting burp from an office somewhere around me. Seriously? I'm sure the conference room full of people down the hall enjoyed that too. Save it for home loser . Your wife sure knows how to pick them.

Envious, right?

I am the epitome of klassy and sophistimacated. Here I sit in bed watching Inglorious Basterds, drinking wine with Sprite mixed in and eating Zesty Cheese Doritos. Don't you just wish you were me?

I'll Intervention You!

This conversation took place last night with my special friend while watching The Family Guy. They had just made a comment about Robin Williams no longer being funny and the screen flashed to an animated Robin Williams with lines on his arms.

SF: Oh yeah, look at the cuts on his arms.
Me: Yeah, because Robin Williams is known for being a cutter. Watch much Intervention?
SF: Ooooh.
Me: Maybe you should watch less Intervention.

Laughter to the point of crying ensued. Seriously, who guesses he's a cutter before thinking he's a hairy, hairy man?!?! However, the sympathy was touching. ;)

A Few Randoms because OMG I Need to Sleep

* I very much dislike roast beef. You know how people rave that it is so tender that is falls to pieces? That makes me want to vomit. I made my own roast beef the other day, it turns out I don't hate it. I just need to cook my own. Red wine and steak spice help. Oh it turns out I like gravy too.

* My cat is retarded and is balancing on the top of my head while I type. What is worse, is that I won't bother to move him.

* I made homemade bread for the first time this past week. It was so good, I made it again 2 days later. Oddly, I don't eat bread....until now.

* I woke up at 1 am this morning and realized my cat was under my arm. I moved and he didn't. So, I sat straight up in bed and loudly said "OMG, I killed the cat. I think the cat is dead!". Then I couldn't remember his name. I knew we had changed it but couldn't remember what we changed it to. His name is Cooper. I kept calling him Carter in the night and couldn't get back to sleep.

* Disney isn't very smart when making children's movies. The new one out, "The Princess and the Frog", features a "bad guy" who makes shadows do his dirty work. Millions of kids are now afraid of their own shadow. That's some good work, boys.

* 2:00 am today - my daughter wakes up terrified of the thing on the wall that is making shadows chase her and of the skeleton in the top hat. Dude, what were you thinking when you made that movie?!?!

* 4:20 am and the Littlest Princess finally fell back to sleep after 3 complete rounds of the High School Musical CD. All I want to do, is be with you, be with youuuuuu. There's nothing we can't do.....

* 4:45 am - my neighbour decided to snow blow his driveway beside my head with his mofo tractor that is so loud it vibrates my entire bed. Unfortunately, the snow kept getting stuck so he had to bang the blower part on the drive way repeatedly. I was soooo angry that I paced the house and trying to a) not cry b)go outside, pull him off his tractor, and kick him in balls over and over and over again. I went back to bed and listened until.......

* 7:20 am my daughter comes in and says "Those people are so loud they woke me up!". No shit.

* I had 1.5 hours sleep last night and I'm crochety.

* Poutine made with roasted garlice havarti is very, very good.

Circle K

The following conversation took place at the Irving a few minutes ago.

Me: Hi! Can I get a Lotto Max for tonight and a 649 for tomorrow night too? (I was buying ice and sprite for my wine...klassy).
Cashier: You got ID?
Me: Hmmm...actually I don't.
Cashier: Can't sell them to you. (looking like she sucked a big ass lemon).
Me: No worries. *smile and small giggle* This is actually the 2nd time this has happened in the last few weeks and I'm actually 32. (I'll be 33 a month from tomorrow but I didn't tell her that).
Cashier: Sure. (with a snotty look).
Me as my smile disappears: Actually, you hold on I'll get that ID from the car.
I walked back in and put it on the counter. Nothing from her.
You know, I realize she has a job to do and I was fine with it. I said no problem, I smiled and made conversation and was going to go on my merry way. She didn't have to be such a bitch. She has not aged well at all and is probably insanely jealous that at 32 years old and have a youthful face and she has a full grown mustache. Sucks to be you.