Hints from Heloise

The littlest Princess isn't feeling so hot today so we decided to have a stay home day together since I'm leaving for a week. She is a super duper little helper when it comes to household chores. We were just downstairs changing the laundry and I handed her a fabric softener sheet to put in the dryer. She looked up at me and said "Why don't you just use the Bounce Bar? It is much easier and it lasts for up to 4 months." I asked her how she knew that and she said she saw it on TV. I cracked up. I've had many people comment to me that the child is going to be a star. I suspect you will see her on TV someday but it will likely be in an infomercial.

Thursday's Leader

The school my daughter attends is piloting a program that I think is called The Leader in Me. The kids learn and live/work by 7 habits they are being taught. Things like "Think Win-Win, Be Proactive, Being with the End in Mind" etc. I think they've basically taken the 7 Habits if Highly Effective People and adapted it for children. These kids are very much into the program.

So this week is Winter Carnival at school and they've been having dress up days each day based on one of the habits. Yesterday was dress like your favourite sports leader. After some head scratching we came up with a figure skating costume - a tutu and a medal.

Today's theme is dress like the leader you want to be. Oye - that school has it out for me. I was completely stumped for an idea. Even as I was getting JJ dressed this morning I was still trying to come up with something. So I was telling her that I was fresh out of ideas and talking, blah, blah, blah. JJ looked at me that I was out of my mind and said "If I need to dress like leader, I'm just going to dress like you! And then I melted on the floor and it would have been the perfect time for her to ask for a pony.

JJ came up with what she needed to put on to look like me. She decided she needed a ring, a necklace, black shoes (because apparently I wear black shoes every day), and lipstick. We both already have curly hair so that one was in the bag.

She made my day without even trying.

Duck and Cover

Growing up, I often heard that Fredericton was known for having bad drivers. I have no idea if there is any statistical truth to that or not. Either way, I don't think Fredericton necessarily has BAD drivers. I think Fredericton has INCONSIDERATE drivers. A whole bunch of inconsiderate bastards. I mean the streets are lousy with the inconsiderate ones. Even the school drop off zone is not immune from the cling-ons.
Every morning that I drop my daughter off at school, I see the same van parked in the same spot regardless of the traffic flow. She won't pull up to allow more cars in, nope, she needs to park smack in the middle. Screw the rest of us suckers, she was there first and this lady knows what she wants. Cars are lined up down the street trying to get kids to school and every morning she takes FOREVER getting her kid out of the car. We receive memos and voicemails on a regular basis reminding us that we are to be quick in the drop of zone. It's a drop off zone not a parking spot. Hello, school? Stop sending me those memos. Save yourself some time and trees. Send one memo to the van lady with her name in big letter, telling her to MOVE!
This morning I really wanted to get out of my car, walk over and kick her in the teeth. But the teacher was right there and I didn't want detention. I have to much to do at lunch today.

Every Once in Awhile.....

My job, for the most part, is pretty negative. Without going into detail, I see people on a daily basis that are in crisis, some are chronically ill, in chronic pain, about to lose their home, living in horrible conditions, sometimes they hate me, sometimes they threaten me. I make a choice not to let it get me down, not to let the negativity take over. Because every once in awhile, I get a chance to make a positive difference for someone, to make their life better, a little easier, to let them know that someone, even a perfect stranger, is willing to step up and go to bat for them. And every once in awhile it works out. Today is one of those days and that makes it a good day.

Your Name Please?

You'd think after working for the same department for the last 10 years, they could get my name right by now.

Wow, You're a Pig

I was sitting here just after lunch and I heard a great big, loud, disgusting burp from an office somewhere around me. Seriously? I'm sure the conference room full of people down the hall enjoyed that too. Save it for home loser . Your wife sure knows how to pick them.

Envious, right?

I am the epitome of klassy and sophistimacated. Here I sit in bed watching Inglorious Basterds, drinking wine with Sprite mixed in and eating Zesty Cheese Doritos. Don't you just wish you were me?

I'll Intervention You!

This conversation took place last night with my special friend while watching The Family Guy. They had just made a comment about Robin Williams no longer being funny and the screen flashed to an animated Robin Williams with lines on his arms.

SF: Oh yeah, look at the cuts on his arms.
Me: Yeah, because Robin Williams is known for being a cutter. Watch much Intervention?
SF: Ooooh.
Me: Maybe you should watch less Intervention.

Laughter to the point of crying ensued. Seriously, who guesses he's a cutter before thinking he's a hairy, hairy man?!?! However, the sympathy was touching. ;)

A Few Randoms because OMG I Need to Sleep

* I very much dislike roast beef. You know how people rave that it is so tender that is falls to pieces? That makes me want to vomit. I made my own roast beef the other day, it turns out I don't hate it. I just need to cook my own. Red wine and steak spice help. Oh it turns out I like gravy too.

* My cat is retarded and is balancing on the top of my head while I type. What is worse, is that I won't bother to move him.

* I made homemade bread for the first time this past week. It was so good, I made it again 2 days later. Oddly, I don't eat bread....until now.

* I woke up at 1 am this morning and realized my cat was under my arm. I moved and he didn't. So, I sat straight up in bed and loudly said "OMG, I killed the cat. I think the cat is dead!". Then I couldn't remember his name. I knew we had changed it but couldn't remember what we changed it to. His name is Cooper. I kept calling him Carter in the night and couldn't get back to sleep.

* Disney isn't very smart when making children's movies. The new one out, "The Princess and the Frog", features a "bad guy" who makes shadows do his dirty work. Millions of kids are now afraid of their own shadow. That's some good work, boys.

* 2:00 am today - my daughter wakes up terrified of the thing on the wall that is making shadows chase her and of the skeleton in the top hat. Dude, what were you thinking when you made that movie?!?!

* 4:20 am and the Littlest Princess finally fell back to sleep after 3 complete rounds of the High School Musical CD. All I want to do, is be with you, be with youuuuuu. There's nothing we can't do.....

* 4:45 am - my neighbour decided to snow blow his driveway beside my head with his mofo tractor that is so loud it vibrates my entire bed. Unfortunately, the snow kept getting stuck so he had to bang the blower part on the drive way repeatedly. I was soooo angry that I paced the house and trying to a) not cry b)go outside, pull him off his tractor, and kick him in balls over and over and over again. I went back to bed and listened until.......

* 7:20 am my daughter comes in and says "Those people are so loud they woke me up!". No shit.

* I had 1.5 hours sleep last night and I'm crochety.

* Poutine made with roasted garlice havarti is very, very good.

Circle K

The following conversation took place at the Irving a few minutes ago.

Me: Hi! Can I get a Lotto Max for tonight and a 649 for tomorrow night too? (I was buying ice and sprite for my wine...klassy).
Cashier: You got ID?
Me: Hmmm...actually I don't.
Cashier: Can't sell them to you. (looking like she sucked a big ass lemon).
Me: No worries. *smile and small giggle* This is actually the 2nd time this has happened in the last few weeks and I'm actually 32. (I'll be 33 a month from tomorrow but I didn't tell her that).
Cashier: Sure. (with a snotty look).
Me as my smile disappears: Actually, you hold on I'll get that ID from the car.
I walked back in and put it on the counter. Nothing from her.
You know, I realize she has a job to do and I was fine with it. I said no problem, I smiled and made conversation and was going to go on my merry way. She didn't have to be such a bitch. She has not aged well at all and is probably insanely jealous that at 32 years old and have a youthful face and she has a full grown mustache. Sucks to be you.

Scratchin' the Ole Beer Belly

I often use this blog as an outlet to poke fun and the ridiculous things I see going on around my office. Today, I have to call myself out. I deserve it.

I went to the washroom a few minutes ago and as I was walking down the hall I realize that I had lifted up my shirt and was scratching my stomach. That is sooooo not what anyone needs to see and, thankfully, there was no one else in the hall. I chuckled to myself to being so classy and went on my merry way.

There you have it, I'm not immune to doing the very same things that I like to laugh at in other people.

Look-A-Like

I was watching the original version of How the Grinch Stole Christmas with the Littlest Princess the other night. All of a sudden it struck me that the Grinch reminds me of someone. Before you guess, it's not Jim Carey. He reminds me of...........Dr. Gregory House.

You Can't Fool Me with a Bow

I can totally tell that your "shoes" are really slippers. I'm just jealous I didn't think of it myself. Do my pajamas count as business casual? Is bed-head a style? Are showers mandatory? I need to know!

Tidbits

* I got a kitten on Remembrance Day. Her name was Lucy until she went to the vet. Now HIS name is Cooper and he is not well-endowed. He thinks he's a human baby and won't let me out of his sight. He also thinks it is acceptable to sleep in my bed under the covers. He is lucky that I sleep soundly and don't discover him until I wake up in the morning.

* Dairy Queen has made my Iron Grilled Sandwich differently each of the last 3 times I've gotten one. Today, I got bacon AND cheese. SCORE!

* I went to Montreal this past weekend to see a Lady Gaga concert. I didn't end up seeing her and I got locked in a mall late a night. I'm talking chains and padlocks on the outside of the door sort of lock in. What is even funnier is that I was completely oblivious to it. Good times.

* I started my Christmas shopping on Sunday November 21st at 2pm. I was almost completely done by Monday November 22 at noon. I just have to pick up some candy on my last grocery order before X-mas. That makes me a Christmas shopping bad ass.

* Dijon mustard, much like bacon, makes almost anything better.

* I don't understand why a grown adult has to walk down the aisle at Walmart, and turn on every single dancing and singing Santa. What is wrong with you, Jerkass?!

* If the white beard on your Santa Clause decoration has turned brown, it's time to throw it out.

* Since I made the request, I'm going to make each of the recipes posted HERE this month. I say that now but it could change if they are really hard. Because I'm spleeny that way.

Recipes....Post'em Here

Over the past few days, I've seen alot of Facebook statuses, heard alot of conversations, read many emails all with the same question - Does anyone have any good Christmas recipes? So, let's post them here.
Now, I know alot of people read this blog but don't leave comments. There is an option to leave your comment anonymously, so come half out of the closet and leave your recipe if not your name. Participaction makes the job happen....or something like that.

It's Just Not Funny...Not Even a Little Bit

I've complained many times on here about the disgusting state of the washrooms in my office. It's not the cleaning staff. They do a great job and I feel bad for what they put up with in having to clean that bathroom. I just cannot comprehend how grown adult women can be such disgusting pigs.

I went to the washroom a little while ago and this is what I encountered. There are 4 stalls in there. One had fecal matter (poop) on the toilet seat and the bowl was full of toilet paper and waste. Another had urine all over the seat. Normal, socialized adults do not do this shit.

Seriously, you're no better than a bunch of poo flinging monkeys.

You Might be a Germophobe if.....

You know it's a good indication that you might be a germophobe when you look over at the person washing their hands next to you and you smile while thinking "Nice hand-washing technique! She even got under her nails."

I might be a germophobe.

For All Your Holiday Needs!

I look forward to the flyers each Thursday morning. They are always waiting for me at the end of the driveway, rain or shine. The delivery person doesn't really care if it's raining when they throw them from the car late Wednesday night so rain usually means "un-readable". But that's not the point here.

The stack of flyers seem to grow significantly around this time of year. Businesses are trying to hawk their wares under the guise of making things easy for the consumer this holiday season. Now I will be the first to admit that the flyers do help me with me shopping list. What cracks me up, is the businesses who don't put out flyers through out the rest of the year but start at Christmas. Again, all under the guise of meeting all your Holiday needs.

Here are a few examples from the stack this morning.

* Hakim Optical - "Give the Joy of good vision." Yup, I'll explain that one to the Littlest Princess on Christmas morning. I'd better get a punching bag too so she has some place to get out her aggression over the craptacular gift. Or maybe my dad "Merry Christmas Dad! Now that your old, I thought bi-focals would be a great gift!"
* Kia (a car dealership) - No catchy phrase here, just a big red bow on a car and low, low price FROM $20,245. Hmmm...who should I gift this too? My sister. "No, no, don't feel bad that you didn't get me anything. It's just a little something I picked up, no biggie." Nothing says practical like buying cars as X-mas gifts. I'd like to know how well that campaign does during this Holiday Season/Economic Crisis.
* Shur Gain Feeds and Needs - "You can be Shur!" Yeah, I'm SHUR my mother will love a pig ear and scratching post. Her nails have been looking scraggly lately and if she doesn't stop chewing on the new furniture my dad will have a bird!

Who says Christmas is too commercial?!?!?!

Uh....thanks but NO!

My 6 year old daughter has taken an interest in the local SPCA and has decided to donate everything in her piggy bank to the cause. Since she is being so generous, this morning I sent out an email to friends and family explaining what JJ is doing and asking for support - cash or items from the SPCA wish list.

Wish liste here - http://www.frederictonspca.ca/our_wishlist.aspx

I received a few responses including this one from my sister that almost got me in trouble with the IT dept for spitting coffee on my computer:

"I’d like to donate one asshole cat."

She didn't even bother to sign her damn name... but it sure made me laugh. I don't think I'll share that offer of support with JJ.

Here is an Idea....

How about you stop referring to your clients as "swine"?